Saturday, May 1, 1880 Had a note from Wicks yesterday asking me to go to the Adirondacs with him about May 20. I have written him that I cannot go. I cant afford the money it will cost. This lack of money and lack of any thing like encouragement in my profession is ruining me. I have got into such a state that my work has no interest to me and the future with all its cares and anxieties looks very dark to me. I think it is this lack of stimulus that is the greatest trouble to me now. It leaves me with my sorrows and forces me to dwell too much upon my troubles. If I could only sell my work and feel that I was getting on and able to pay my way and meet my engagements I am sure life would look brighter to me. As it is now the days drag wearily on and I am full of unrest and alarms. I am going home today and on Monday expect to go out to Delaware Co. with Jansen Anderson trout fishing, but I do not look forward to it with any enthusiasm. The weather is cold and I am afraid it is too early to go. Still it is an interest to fill up the weary days. Thinking of dear Gertrude as I do constantly now I try to believe that she is spared all my trouble, that the sorrows of life touch her no more and that in some restful and satisfying existence she awaits the few flying years that shall bring us together again. My soul thrills at the thought of once more being with her. I have lived now a year and a half without her. How I have been able to bear it I do not know nor how I shall bear what remains to me of separation from her who was all the world to me.
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