Jervis McEntee Diaries

Saturday January 31, 1880

Jervis McEntee Diary Entry, January 31, 1880, from the Jervis McEntee papers, 1850-1905, in the Archives of American Art, Smithsonian Institution

Saturday, Jan 31, 1880 Mary and I went to the Water Color Exhibition. It is very interesting and many of the pictures were sold. I felt sorry I had not some good thing there. Came to my room and painted until four o'clock when Mary and I went to Mrs. Watrous' tea where I saw a number of my friends. From there we went to Mrs. Wm. Church's where the two Miss Armours, Canadian ladies from Coburg are staying. I force myself to go out but I am unhappy and depressed in spite of all I can do. Found a letter from Sade on coming to my room in which she told me of Maurice and his misery and of what a lonely, desolate feeling she had had thinking of dear Gertrude. It was the day of the meeting of the Charities Aid association, and she had been there alone. They used to walk up together, but her absence had been so solemnly impressed upon her that she was overcome with a sense of desolation. My own sense of her loss was almost insupportable. I prayed to God that she might come to me and let me know that somewhere she still existed for me and was conscious of my suffering. But there is no response to such vain appeals. We have no right to make them. They come from our agony and our despair. Yet I do feel that in an immortal state my dear Gertrude awaits me. I should be more wretched than I am if I could not feel this.

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