Jervis McEntee Diaries

Sunday April 18, 1880

Jervis McEntee Diary Entry, April 18, 1880, from the Jervis McEntee papers, 1850-1905, in the Archives of American Art, Smithsonian Institution

Sunday, Apr 18, 1880 Sade and I walked over to the cemetery in the morning taking Jamie and little Charlie with us. The grass was growing on dear Gertrudes grave but the litter which covered the plants and the flowers had not been removed. Darling Gertrude! What agony wrung my heart to think of you gone from me forever. The world seemed so desolate and I so helpless to bear its loneliness. I could not stay there. We returned home. The wind began to blow about 9 o'clock and we almost concluded it would not be pleasant to drive to High Falls as we intended to but about 11 oclock it seemed to promise to be less windy and we started. The wind gradually lulled and we had a pleasant drive. The season seemed as far advanced there as in N.Y. The grass green and some hepaticas and some arbutus not fully bloom. We dined at Annies. Found Fred, Lily and Aunt Christina there and Annie came later from Sunday School. We had a pleasant visit and started for home at 5.30 by Mr. Anshmoodys and so across to Lucas' Turnpike as we went out avoiding some muddy places beyond that point. We talked and cried together over darling Gertrudes sweet memory and went over and over again her sweetness and her patience during her whole life and which grew sweeter and lovlier to the last. O the agony of her loss and the loneliness and emptiness of the world without her. It seems to me now that if I could have her dear companionship all the other troubles of this life could be easily borne and yet I remember that when I did have her I was even then often unhappy and despondent. How could I be--how I could I ever wish for greater blessings when I was so rich in her. Now I wait only to be with her. I cannot be happy again and all my efforts in that direction seem so futile that I can hardly make the effort to fight against my sorrow. I pray for strength to bear it but it does not come and all my waking hours are heavy and sad. What has the future for me! Am I to spend the remainder of my life in this sad way or will time heal this bitter hurt.

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