Feeling very badly last Saturday morning I went home by the 11 A.M. train and remained there until today having had a severe cold from which I have not yet recovered. It rained when I arrived there and Jamie came to meet me. Today when I left Tom brought me to the ferry in a sleigh six inches of snow having fallen in the night and still snowing which became rain as we neared New York. I read dear Gertrudes letters and felt anew the anguish which wrung her tender, loving heart when I went off to the war. Nothing could be more touching than those letters, deeper love was never experienced. Sometimes I think perhaps it would be better for me not to have so many things about to remind me of her, but how could I live without being reminded of her, and yet when I do think of her I have such a desolating sense of her loss that it seems to me I never can adapt myself to my lonely life without her. I gave two of her dresses to Girards wife and gradually I presume I will dispose of many of her things which I cannot keep and which will be of use to others of our respective families, but it almost breaks my heart to part with any thing which belonged to her. I read the first part of Taylors Faust while I was home with Taylors notes and found much in it I did not see before, much that seemed to embody my own sad longings and in connection I borrowed Rev. Mr. Terrys essay to read a scholarly and intelligent and liberal conception of the poem. My father is recovering from his bout. Goes about on crutches but is well otherwise and soon will be sound again. I felt very sad on arriving at my rooms, the day was dark and rainy and coming from the midst of the family to the loneliness of my room I had ample opportunity to brood over all my sorrows. Yesterday before we went to dinner Lucy called me out and gave me a letter to read from Mrs. Wilkins from Washington in which she tells me that Carrie had just received a telegram from Capt. Porter telling her he would be there about Apl. 1 and they are to be married then, against her fathers and mothers wishes. The poor woman was in the deepest distress and it gave me a pang that I hardly dare to acknowledge. [sentence inked out] Mrs. Wilkins sent me a kind message and says she will certainly see me when she comes to New York. I found here Lucys letter of last week. A letter from Alice and a sad one from Gussie. Also a letter from Mr. Gilliats brother very kind and considerate telling me his brother is engaged which ends what I tried to do for Minnie Coen. I answered his letter and mailed one to Janette which I wrote at home. Wrote a despairing letter to Lucy.
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