Saturday, Apr 16, 1887 We were all discouraged this morning. Mary would like to go up to Rondout with me to see Janette and Emily but their affairs are so pressing she cannot get away. I think I never saw her so despondent and discouraged before, and it was most painful to me for she is usually so hopeful. As for me I am filled with anxiety and trouble over the near future. Back again in the harassing atmosphere in which so great a part of my later years have been passed--an otherwise happy life clouded with the struggle against the lack of a little money to provide for our simple and reasonable mode of life. The utter indifference to my work as an artist is most depressing, but so far as I can learn I am not alone in that respect. I walked down the Bowery this morning to buy a chisel for Jimmy. I saw plenty of struggling, wretched people there compared to whose troubles mine are as nothing. I know I am too easily discouraged but experience has shown me that my plans and hopes are not to be relied upon and I cant help asking myself how I am to provide for the future. I am going home today, but new perplexities will confront me there. I must try to meet them as best I can.