Friday, May 12, 1882 Slept well last night but awoke with a despairing feeling. It was raining and blowing a gale from the N. E. when I went over to breakfast. Downing returned from Newport with Booth and Edwina where they had been to arrange to build Booths home. He saw Maurice who told him the party was to come on to N. Y. Saturday on their way West. Saw Pumpelly who is going to write to me and expects me to go with him. Began to collect and pack my things preparatory to leaving for the summer some time next week. I built a fire but the smoke all blew down into my room and I was obliged to put it out. I read some of my diary of just after dear Gertrudes death and I see how much sorrow I have felt. Towards the following spring I began to be worried with the same kind of money troubles I am having now and it seems to me most of my professional life has been haunted by this spectre. I believe I could be measurably happy if I were succeeding moderately in my profession but there is so much uncertainty about it that there seems no peace. I wish I had the worldly wisdom to conduct my affairs better. Beard came in and I found on talking with him he has the same troubles and has to go and solicit people to buy his pictures. Calvert and I went in the evening to the Academy and attended the distribution of the prizes to the students after which we went to the club. Thompson was there, had been moving his studio to 34th St, was tired and discouraged I presume and had evidently been drinking for he talked injudiciously. We came away together and he remarked he wished he had not talked so much. At least I have not his kind of trouble.